And another hurdle...

Seriously, I'm so bored of all this now. I was put on a lower dose of Citalopram last week. At first I was excited and everything was going great. But for the last two days I've been snappy and irritable and grumpy and had a splitting headache. I want my chemical happy back. My doctor and my counsellor said dropping down a dose wouldn't affect me too much. I knew they were lying...

Just so sick of thinking "the worst is over now" just to find a new challenge. Sick of fighting. Sick of asking other people to put up with me. Terrified what's going to happen in the long run when I try to come off them completely.

I've always hated all forms of medication. This one is the worst. It's not a solution, I hate how much it is relied upon. It feels like it's actually made things worse, given me a couple of months of false happiness, false hope. Now I'm starting to doubt whether I've made any progress at all, or whether it's all just been a waste of time. I'm not even sure if the counselling has made that much difference, really, just more false positives from the medication.

I have no idea. Maybe I'll stabilise and feel better in a few days. But right now I'm feeling lower than I have done for a long time and I don't like it. Probably won't even be able to sleep it off due to this bloody headache...

People are weird

So I had an amazing couple of days. Went up to Chester to visit my cousin and his family. They have a 4 month old boy and girl who I think is nearly 3 years old now. They are both so gorgeous and I had so much fun! I've visited Florrie a few times and she is always lovely, and now she's so bouncy and bubbly and has an amazing imagination. It was my first time meeting Barney, and he is also very sweet. He's always really cheerful and has an adorable laugh! I spent a long time giving him cuddles!



And we went to the toy shop and Florrie loved it and my staff discount got thoroughly abused and it was awesome! The branch there is about four times bigger than the one I work for, so I had quite a lot of fun looking around too.

I'd also like to give a special mention to the place I stayed, . Which brings me to the subject of this post. I loved this inn. It was very good value for money, my room was huge and full of character, the bathroom was bright and modern, the staff were consistently polite and professional and attentive. The complimentary Continental buffet breakfast was amazing. I cannot praise this place highly enough.

And yet, ALL the other guests seemed to find something to moan about. One guy managed to flood his room because he doesn't understand shower curtains, and this is clearly the hotel's fault. He also complained that the shower didn't come with instructions. It was a fairly standard shower. He also failed to understand the toaster and the coffee machine. I started to wonder how he remembered to breathe.

Another was complaining because they had decided they only wanted to stay for six nights, not five, and the restaurant staff couldn't refund her the night she wasn't using. Sadly it got referred to the hotel manager and I have no idea what the final result was. I hope she didn't get her money back. The hotel has a clear enough cancellation policy, they can't just bend to your random whims.

I could go on, but I'm bored of wasting my energy on these miserable idiots. I stayed there to have a nice trip, apparently they stayed there just to find things to moan about. I just don't understand this mindset.

Time to go leave a good review on Trip Advisor!

I love play

So I did my playtime. It was AWESOME. I loved it. The kids loved it. The parents loved it. My boss loved it. All round good day. I had sososo much fun and made lots of children smile and laugh and create and imagine and discover. I also spent a lot of time explaining to parents how easy and fun it is it to help their child create something from nothing, how good our arts and crafts section is, and how they should buy it all. Most of them bought something. One woman spent £80!! Our conversion rate was mind-bogglingly high.

I think my boss will be letting me do playtime again!

It always amuses me though how often I get asked if I have any children or any child care qualifications or whatever. It doesn't seem to occur to people that it's possible to naturally get along with children. I am not a childcare expert. I have no idea how to feed a baby or change a nappy. But I do know how to play. I don't understand why this surprises people.

It probably does help that I'm from a fairly large family. My brother is five years younger than me, I spent a lot of time looking after/playing with him when we were growing up. At family gatherings, I was generally left to entertain like five kids while the parents all got drunk. Now my oldest cousin has two children (who, by the way, I am going to see on Friday, which is incredibly exciting!). I've always been around small children and I've always loved play.

Having said that, I would absolutely love to have children one day, and would like that day to be sooner rather than later. I will probably one day study for some form of teacher/childcare qualifications. But I don't think either of these things are necessary to understand play.

It's playtime!

So every Tuesday morning between 10am and 12pm, our shop has a playtime. The person who usually runs it is on holiday at the moment, so I've been entrusted with it tomorrow! I have no idea how it's going to go, but I'm really excited!

I've only been working during playtime once, and it was really quiet. I only actually played with one child. But recently there's been a lot more promotion of the event, so hopefully it should be fairly busy. But not scary busy!

At least I know what I want to do. I've run it by a few people and they think it's a good idea. We're going to design our own Very Hungry Caterpillars! There's a big push on books right now, so it seemed a good place to start. It's fairly flexible, so hopefully children of all ages will be able to enjoy it. I'm hoping I might have a chance to read the book to them too, although not sure about that.

I have been able to be a lot more creative at work recently, it's been really fun. I coloured in a leaflet promoting a new range of collectables. And then made a mask of one of the characters from the range. And used these really cool like wax pipe cleaners to make a flower and a blue bird. And covered the shop in balloons! I'd forgotten that I am actually quite creative (although not imaginative, which is confusing and can make being creative difficult). It's been a nice discovery!

Blech

So I am not good at beauty rituals. When I was growing up, I was a tomboy. My best friend was a boy, my mum wasn't particularly feminine and I had no sisters. I have always refused to buy glossy mags because they are insanely expensive and mostly incredibly dull.

I didn't wear make-up at all until I was 18, didn't do it well until I was 21, and still don't bother with it half the time. I am still incapable of doing anything nice with my hair. My fashion sense is shaky at best.

I can live with all of this. But tonight, I made the mistake of attempting my most despised beauty ritual. Plucking my eyebrows. I hate it.

I always start with my left eye. I can get that into a semi-acceptable shape without too much trouble. But then I move onto the right. I find that harder, but can eventually get that into an OK shape too. But then they don't match. The left eye is always long and flat; the right shorter and more curver. I start trying to make the left one look more like the right one, but inevitably overpluck and end up with a bald patch.

The worst thing is this happens EVERY TIME. You'd think I'd learn, but apparently not. I've considered going to a professional, but I dread to think what they'd think of my own efforts!

On the bright side, my eyebrows are fairly pale and don't grow too quickly, so I only infict this on myself two or three times a year. This might be enough to last me until January.....!

Good day!

So I spent my first proper day with my best friend since May. (I did see him on Sunday, and it was great at first, but then he got tired and irritable, which was fair enough, but at the time caused me to get irritated too and it was... complicated. But that doesn't matter now!)

And yeah, today was really good. It was nice, it felt like the first time in a long time where we just spent a normal day hanging out, having fun. I was so stressed before he went, with the depression crap and unemployment crap and everything else, and he was getting really unhappy at his job, and then quit his job and got more stressed, and got worked up about his trip, and the friendship became extremely dysfunctional.

But I think his trip has been really beneficial for both of us. I had some time to clear my head and take a proper look at myself and where I wanted to be, and him leaving was probably what pushed me over the edge and made me go get the private counselling. He's come back refreshed and motivated with some idea of what he wants to do with his life now and how to achieve it.

And we just had fun. We watched TV, we played games, we ate lots of pizza. We laughed, lots. There was no tension, no drama, no stress. I do feel like I'm in a very good place now.

Still shaky

I had another big down last night. Couldn't figure out why. Tried to write a blog post a few times and just couldn't figure out what I wanted to write. I wasn't upset about anything, there was just a residual sadness.

I think I figured out today what it was. I suspect that it is my brain re-adjusting to life without weekly therapy. In which case, I guess I passed, because nothing too dramatic happened, I just felt kinda down for a while. I didn't freak out, I didn't let it get worse, I just waited it out. I think that's an improvement.

Then today I got a haircut! It's quite a dramatic change by my standards, but I really like it. And everyone else tells me they really like it. For some reason my stylist thought it would be fun to dump a load of hair in my left eye, which I don't remember agreeing to, but it does look good and I'm sure I'll get used to only seeing out of one eye!

Might post pictures at some point, lazy now.

But I am kind of sad because one of my work colleagues is leaving. She is awesome and made me feel so so welcome when I started. And she's totally insane but so much fun. I will miss her lots. Keep having to give out application forms to people wanting to fill her position. Not seen anyone who's a scratch on her yet.

But then work was good, because I spent most of the afternoon creating a sign promoting our sale. I covered it in sequins and had lots of fun! Several customers praised my artistic ability! The sale is going to be a nightmare though, the price changes are totally random and make no sense and nothing is priced correctly and so many customers are going to bitch at me about it. Oh well. At least the ones who do get a surprise saving will love me.

Also, it's less than four days until my friend gets back from America after his crazy three month trip! Super excited about that!

I think that's all for now. Apparently I'm incapable of coherent thought today but have lots of thought fragments. Oh well.

Taking stock

So it's only 12.20pm, and there have already been two things today that have made me look back at the last seven months and smile.

The first was my doctor appointment. I told her how much better I have been recently and how much the counselling is helping. She told me that she wants to keep me on 40mg for now, which makes sense, but if all goes well I should go down to 20mg next month, and then hopefully be off anti-depressants entirely by the New Year! That gave me a very big boost. It seems amazing when I look back at how bad things seemed back in January, and how things have changed so much in what is really a very small space of time.

Then I got a phone call from the Time to Get Moving Campain lady. I told her my story, when I was diagnosed, how I felt like I couldn't cope, and what a boost I got from my cycling. It was really nice to look back on that, and she seemed interested in my story. I really like the TTGM Campaign. While I think Time to Change is very important, I have never been able to connect with it very easily. I looked into being a media volunteer for them, but they only really seem interested in stories on how people have faced stigma, and I haven't really had that problem too much. But I am an expert on how beneficial exercise can be! I really hope I can inspire others to get involved. Might even start going out on my bike again, it's been a while now!

Yesterday I was reading through some early blog posts in preparation for my chat with the TTGM lady, to see what frame of mind I was in back then. I was quite surprised how much I have improved since then.

Difficult decisions

Recently, I've been having the urge to talk openly with more friends and family about my depression. I talk about it openly on here, I'm more than happy to volunteer for Time to Change, etc... But it's a difficult thing to bring up in conversation with friends. I've told my parents, a selection of closest friends and my boss, but that's about it.

I've been toying with the idea of writing a note on Facebook "announcing" (for lack of a better word) the news openly to people. But it seems a slightly cheesy way to do it, I'm not sure if I like the idea. It would be the easiest way to tell lots of people though. I really want to talk openly with friends and family, be able to drop it in casual conversation, I find it helps to normalise the whole situation. I'm happy for people to know, I just don't know how to tell them.

I don't really know what's appropriate in this situation. I've known other friends with depression, but I forget how they dealt with this particular issue. Suggestions welcome!

I made a friend!

Because of my work schedule and train schedule, I always have half an hour to kill before my counselling session. Today, I found a very fun way to pass the time befriending a very cute cat. It was incredibly affectionate and leapt onto my lap the second I sat down on a brick wall nearby. I spent a long time with this cat. I got a lot of strange looks. I don't care!



Kitty posing on my lap



Kitty and me sharing a cuddle


Actually, I made another friend at work today as well. There's a regular customer who has known my manager for about six years now. Her and her husband come in fairly frequently with her 11 month old daughter, who is gorgeous. I always have a chat with the three of them, but today the little girl was in a particularly affectionate mood. She crawled over to me demanding a cuddle, and then I got several kisses as well, it was very exciting! (And the couple also spent quite a lot of money, so everyone was happy.)

In other news, the counselling went really well and I'm going to start having sessions less frequently to see how I cope on my own. I've also offered to be a media volunteer for the Time To Get Moving Campaign, which I'm really excited about! They're calling me tomorrow so I can tell them all about my charity cycle ride and how helpful exercise is for people with depression. Not sure what I'm going to say, but I hope it will be inspiring!

Mini rant

This week has been really good. I'm happy at work and everything is going well. But there's one little thing I feel the need to rant about.

People keep telling me that they're jealous of how I get to spend all day playing with toys. They seem to think I have the easiest job in the world and I just spend all day playing. This is not true. I work bloody hard. I'm not complaining, I enjoy the work, but it irritates me that people don't realise it is still a job.

I spent all this morning restocking the baby and toddler section, which involved making a list of everything we were missing, filling four huge sacks with the products, dragging them down two flights of stairs and then putting them on the shelves, making sure they are all correctly priced and well-presented.

I will also bend over backwards for a customer. I frequently open up two or three different products so they can have a proper look, have to figure out how on earth to get them back into the stupid boxes, and then they still often buy one or none. I will run up to the stock room if necessary. I would ring every shop in the country to track down a product if a customer really wanted me to. Again, I'm not complaining, I enjoy providing good customer service, it just irritates me that people don't really that this is the main part of my job, not playing with toys.

And mostly when I do play with toys, it is for one of two reasons. Sometimes it is just because we're really quiet and I've finished all my restocking and repricing and all the other tasks in my job description and have nothing better to do. But mostly it is so that I can get to know the product, so I can sell it better. I will work out the best way to demonstrate it to a customer, I will look at it through a parent's eyes and work out what their main concerns will be, what questions they are most likely to ask me, how the toy will benefit their child's development. That is the main reason I play with the toys.

Working in a toy shop is definitely fun work (at least most of the time...), and I'm happier there than I have been in a long time. But it is also hard work, and it annoys me how many people don't realise that.

Update time

I've started slacking. The thoughts that used to go in here have started going into the thought journal my counsellor asked me to keep. It's been really useful, but I'm too lazy to write out all my thoughts twice! I figure keeping that updated is more important...

I've been surprised how useful it's been actually. When I used to keep diaries they usually re-inforced negative feelings rather than helping to release them. But the important thing about the thought journal is that I make sure I record my most positive feelings as well as my most negative. The positive half is starting to fill up more, it's nice to see.

I've got quite a lot to be positive about at the moment. Boyfriend booked a trip to Tokyo for my birthday in October - can't wait! Really really excited. Went once before and loved it. Looking into all the things I want to do.

And bought an eReader! I wasn't sure how I felt about it at when they were first released, but I have so many books and so little space, I love being able to carry hundreds of books around with me on one little box. And it's so pretty and shiny and little!

Work is going pretty well too, we've launched a new catalogue recently which is pretty exciting (although it means we have to move everything around which is a bit of a nightmare). Sales are mostly pretty good and I'm still meeting lots of lovely customers.

So lots to be happy about. I just need to learn how to hold on to the happy things when I feel low...

Positive thoughts

Feels like a while since I last updated, think I've been really busy recently. Not really sure what I've been doing, just feels like I haven't had much free time. Lots of work, met up with some old friends, saw Toy Story 3, all good!

Had my second counselling session today. It went well. I found some of her questions really hard to answer, but she's really nice and reassuring. She gave me such a fresh perspective on things. It feels like my problems fall into two categories. Sometimes I do things that are bad for me and I need to not do them. For these, she's teaching me ways to break habits, distract my mind. With other things, I think I'm doing things that are bad for me. But she made me sit back, look in from the outside and asked why I thought they were bad. And I didn't have an answer. I was surprised to realise I do have a really "black and white" outlook on the world - I do have very clear ideas on what I "should" do. I had no idea, it was so ingrained in me. It was really refreshing to realise things are not black and white, I'm an adult and I can make my own choices.

I suspect to most people this sounds ridiculously obvious, but it had just never occurred to me. It feels like a lot of things in my life were pre-determined, often without me even noticing. There's still a long way to go, but it was a very liberating discovery. I feel like one day I will be able to process things in a healthy way.

She was even able to help me cope with the whole friend moving to America thing. This is definitely very much early days, but I could feel progress. He's back in less than four weeks anyway, I'll probably master it like the day before!

What's the big deal?

So I was sitting in one of my favourite cafes on my lunch break, enjoying a very good cheese salad baguette. I turned around to get something out of my bag and came face to face with a mother behind me, breastfeeding. I was mildly surprised, it wasn't something I was expecting to see. But I wasn't outraged or disgusted or whatever so many people seem to think I should be. She was fairly subtle, I didn't see any breast or anything. Nobody around me seemed bothered either. Mostly I was just grateful that the baby was well fed and happy, rather than hungry and grumpy and crying its head off, which is much more likely to put me off my lunch!

I started thinking about where else she could do it. The toilets in this place are quite small and not very well lit. I don't think anyone should expect her to hide herself away in them, as people often claim. I don't think she should be punished for trying to keep her baby happy and healthy.

In other news, work is going well today and I am happy. And I bought three more Simon Scarrow books, looking forward to reading them! And going up to London for a friend's birthday tonight, very excited! We're going to an awesome cocktail bar, should be good!

Who am I again?

So one of the people I follow is Jack at Adventures in Voluntary Simplicity. He recently replied to one of my comments saying that he would like to discuss classics with me at some point. Which made me realise I can't remember the last time I properly discussed classics with anyone, even people I met during my degree. I can't remember the last time I read a piece of Latin. I had a craving to re-read the Aeneid a while ago, but that never really materialised. It's a year since I graduated, and classics has been almost entirely side-lined. It made me sad. It used to such a big part of who I am.

I am still an armchair classicist though, even if I haven't really done it "academically" for a while. While on holiday I read Simon Scarrow's Under the Eagle. I loved it, which was a nice surprise. I randomly picked it up as part of a Waterstone's 3 for 2 a couple of months ago, knowing nothing about it. At first I was a little freaked out because it is entirely focused on the Roman Army, which is something I have never really known or cared about. But there's a nice little introduction at the front (somehow I managed to go through an entire degree without knowing the structure of a legion, but now it makes perfect sense). And the story was fantastic, three different threads were woven together very, very cleverly and while I predicted most of the plot twists, there was one that took me totally by surprise. Can't wait to start reading the next one!

Now I just need to start listening to Eels (who gave this blog its name) and I will really feel like myself again! It's been a while since I defined myself by anything other than my depression. I think it's about time I change that.

One small step...

So I had my first counselling session today. It was mostly just an overview session, so for me it was just the same story, explaining why I think I've ended up here, a story I've already told over and over again to various friends, doctors, counsellors... Irritating, but had to be done. (Which reminds me, I've neve actually talked about that stuff here. It does get a little repetitive after a while. Maybe I'll feel like explaining it one day).

But it was still a useful session. I got on with her really well, she was so easy to talk to. And very reassuring, she spent a lot of time explaining everything, which I really liked. It's the first time any professional has ever really tried to explain to me why I'm like this, rather than just trying to supress it with meds or whatever. I found it so reassuring to be told what's actually happening to me. I also have a fleeting interest in psychology, so it was interesting in that respect.

She also explained what happens next. She says it's possible to be healthy in six weeks. I nearly fell off the chair when she said that, I had no idea it could be so quick! But it's quite a relief, as the sessions are quite expensive..... I do now remember when my GP referred me to her she said that this woman is a miracle worker. Fingers crossed!

In other news, work was pretty awesome. I made quite a few good sales while my manager was watching, and an amazing sale while the area manager was there! Really exciting! They were both very happy with me. And in my spare time I made a lion puppet out of a paper bag! Just like the one in this picture (except mine was cuter, of course!

Back to work

So my first day back at work went pretty well. I was imagining that they would have moved everything and all the offers would have changed and there'd be loads of new products and I would have forgotten everything, but actually almost nothing's changed. There's some new wooden food sets which are absolutely gorgeous, and the swimming accessories section has been condensed as we've nearly sold out, but that's about it. Oh, and they've taken the banner of balloons down from above the till. I kind of miss it, but it had been there for a while and most of the balloons were dying anyway.

And I felt like I had a pretty good day in terms of sales. Had some fun chats with a few customers. Signed lots of people up to our loyalty scheme which is always exciting and makes my boss happy. And then I spent 40 minutes playing with a spirography, which was so much fun! When I was younger, my grandparents had a spirograph and I spent a lot of my childhood playing with it, but it was shared between like six grandchildren and had broken in several places and been taped back up. It was so exciting to actually play with a brand new set out the box! Seriously tempted to buy myself a set, I made pretty patterns. I was just meant to be making a sign to promote a sale we currently have going on the product, but my boss didn't seem to mind me messing around with it for a lot. In fact, she's told me I can play with it more tomorrow even though I've made the sign now, as I've agreed to come in a few hours earlier to cover for a sick colleague. I'm going to have lots of fun!

Which reminds me, I was chatting to someone earlier who asked how the job hunt's going. She knows about my job, I think she just thinks I should be doing something more suitable for a graduate. I get this a lot and it's really frustrating. I genuinely don't want to go anywhere else for at least another year. I might even look at internal promotions and stay with the company even longer. I've gone through so much crap, I just need to do what makes me happy at the moment. I do hope one day to have a decent graduate job with a reasonable salary and be able to buy the expensive things I want and have a house and family and maybe even pay my student loan off.... But those things can wait a little while until I straighten myself out. I'm in the best place for me right now.

Which reminds me, I've booked a counselling session for tomorrow evening. Quite nervous, no idea what will happen. But she was really nice when I spoke to her on the phone, deep down I know that it will be fine. But as usual, my brain refuses to ignore all rationality and prefers to panic over incredibly unlikely "what ifs"....

I'm home

I had such an amazing time! I felt so chilled out and relaxed actually properly happy. It was a nice change! I think I should do this holiday thing more often...

(Admittedly I had the occasional wobble, but I was better able to cope with them before it became a big deal and disrupted the holiday for everyone else. That was nice.)

Didn't take many photos, but got a couple of nice ones to cover my three favourite things.

Firstly, the pool. We spent a lot of time at this pool. I loved it so much, I could just lay there not thinking, not doing anything, just relaxing, for hours. I also love swimming, always have done, I was probably the only person there who actually attempted some serious swimming. Although also had a lot of fun playing bat and ball games with my boyfriend!



Secondly, the kitten. This kitten was a big part of the trip! He had been abandoned outside a local bar and the owner took him in when he was only one week old and nursed him back to health. Now he's three weeks old, still tiny but doing very well, and incredibly friendly and affectionate and curious. He gots lots of cuddles :)



And last, but by no means least, the cocktails. We had a lot of these cocktails. (Well, only one or two a day, but considering my medication that was more than enough for me to end up wobbling slightly!). Between us we must have had about seven different ones, all amazing. This was our favourite, the House Special. Rum, more rum, orange juice, lemon juice and a sparkler! They were our first drink of the week, and the last. A very good end to a very good week!

Holiday!

I'm going to Portugal on Sunday! So excited, I can't wait. Work is pretty good at the moment, but I'm still looking forward to having a break. Hopefully will give me a chance to chill out slightly, I've been getting more emotional and bleh again recently. And it will be good to have some time away with the boyfriend! And some sunshine would be nice too...

On a completely unrelated note, I've been wanting to write a post about Raoul Moat and the way people have reacted to the whole thing. My thoughts are mostly summarised in this Facebook post (although not entirely as the vast majority of my Facebook friends have no idea I have depression and didn't want to express how it effects me personally):

Claire is sick of stupid people claiming that Raoul Moat should have just got over his severe psychiatric problems, or that it was all his own fault for not turning up to appointments. What he did was unforgivable, but he was severely let down. The man was simply not capable of looking after his own affairs, he needed someone... to intervene. Why did nobody do anything to find out why he wasn't turning up to appointments?

Tom: i don't think the nhs like to instil a dependency on their services and instead try to make the person in control of their own recovery.

Claire: And that clearly works so well >.>

Every time we have one of these random shootings, people seem so surprised when it turns out the person involved had mental health problems. It's not a surprise, healthy people do not just decide to go and shoot a bunch of people in cold blood. And it's going to keep happening until we start taking mental health seriously instead of telling people to just cheer up, get over it, whatever.

While I personally am not mentally unstable enough to snap and do something like that, I can understand the feeling of not being able to take control of your own affairs. I had counselling a while ago after a serious car crash, and even then I was kind of all over the place and missed appointments and things. It's easy to do. Now, I've had a phone number for a counsellor for three weeks and am yet to do anything with it because I'm scared. Asking for help is hard. We need to do more to make people feel able to open up and talk about their problems, without feeling like it's a sign of weakness.

And I know this is a bit hypocritical as the vast majority of my friends and family have no idea about my depression, but I am slowly getting better at talking openly about it. It's scary and difficult, but I am starting to share more. It's just an awkward thing to drop into casual conversation...

So on that happy note, I'm off to Portugal! Will be back next Sunday.

Brain splurge

Lying awake, thinking negative thoughts. Been a little while since it was this bad.

Texted best friend over an hour ago asking if he was free to chat. No reply yet. I know he's been ill, maybe that's why. But it just feels like he's too busy with his new boyfriend and new life to find time for me anymore. Time difference doesn't help. I am glad he's happy. I just hate that his happiness seems to now be incompatible with my happiness. This is going to get worse before it gets better - if it ever gets better - and I don't know what to do.

Sick of various side-effects of depression/anti-depressants (was never very clear on which bits were a symptom of depression and which bits are caused by medication, doesn't make much difference to me.) Almost nothing holds my attention, which is problematic, especially at work. If I do find something that does manage to hold my attention, I get totally obsessed and have no interest in anything else at all. Mostly all I want to do is sleep.

I've also lost the ability to keep track of things like dates, or how much money is in my bank account. I'm frequently wrong by more than £100, which is bad. Never used to be like that. I think I've also been accepting old style £20 notes at work, which are no longer legal tender. It's just so difficult to get information to stick in my brain anymore, which is really disconcerting for me as I used to pretty much have a photographic memory.

I hate it. I need all this to go away. Who knows when - or if - that will happen....

Quick update

Busy busy busy. Been doing so much recently! It's been lots of fun though.

Been given quite a few hours at work recently. I finished my induction yesterday, that was exciting. And gives me a 10p pay rise! I actually really like the training they give me - it's very structured, and covers various areas that I'm interested in anyway, like child development and current theory about good customer service. The health and safety section was a bit of a nightmare, otherwise all good. Now I'm studying for my Bronze award - when I finish bronze, silver and gold I get a certificate in retail!

Been busy outside work too. On Wednesday I went to the local Alzheimer's Society Open Evening. I volunteered for them a lot while I was unemployed, and like to still help out when I can. All the people involved are lovely and the night was very successful. And was a great self-esteem boost for me!

Friday night I went to a 21st party. I hadn't seen most of the people there for several years, it was really good to catch up with them. Probably drank slightly too much, but it was so much fun and I felt OK for work the next day. Even got my boyfriend to dance with me even though he wasn't drinking, that was exciting! It was a really good night. I think a lot about who I am and who I want to be, and it was one of those nights where I almost reached my ridiculous standards. Except there's one photo of me where I look really fat. Have been eating far too much recently, need to keep an eye on that...

Today went to a family barbecue. Lots of family, lots of food, lots of fun. And a very cute dog! It was nice to catch up with everyone. And the food was so good, not helpful for the whole "keeping an eye on that" thing. The diet starts tomorrow and all that.

I might even be serious - going to Portugal next Sunday, hoping to look at least acceptable in a bikini!

Depression is still an on-going problem, always in the back of my mind, but it does feel like going up to 40mg was a good idea, feeling a lot better than I was.

One step forward, six steps back....

The ride went better than expected. It was so hot - there aren't words - the heat was actually like a physical weight pressing down on me. But I managed it. I didn't walk too many hills. My legs didn't hurt that much afterwards. Fairly dehydrated and mild sunburn, that was about it. Slept very well that night though!

It was a huge achievement for me. I'm so proud that I managed it. I'm so grateful to all the people who supported me in so many different ways (particularly through sponsorship, raised over £230!). Not sure if I'd do it again, but it was a great day and I'm glad I did it.

I was on such a huge high afterwards. I felt like I'd made real progress, would finally start to overcome everything, turn my life around. Then today, it all went wrong again. Tried to book an appointment to get more anti-depressants, surgery is totally screwing me around. Not sure if I will even be able to make an appointment before my anti-depressants run out, not sure what I'm going to do. Totally freaked out this morning. Could barely get ready for work, couldn't stop crying long enough to put make-up on. Still shaky when I got to work... Was just about able to cope, but felt totally on edge the whole time. Really need to talk to my boss at some point, find out how much she knows. I don't know.

And now I feel like I'm running out of options again. Anti-depressants barely do anything. Can't get counselling for months. I get for now I have to just enjoy the ups and hope the downs don't last too long....

Argh

Charity cycle ride tomorrow. Meant to be the hottest day of the year. Getting very nervous now. No idea how it's going to go. Will need to take sleeping pills tonight.

Work today was awesome. Very busy, and my boss told me he was really happy with how he did. And some very very cute children!

That's all I really have to say for now. Should probably try to sleep in preparation for tomorrow...

Does it ever end?

Depression, please cut to the chase
And make a long story short
Oh, please be done
How much longer can this drama afford to run?

(Lyrics quoted from memory, desperately hope they're right, but my memory is bad...)

This song (Owl City, Tidal Wave) caught my attention while I was on the way to work this morning. The worst thing about depression is that it is just really boring, you get bored of being stuck in your head with the same negative thoughts, you just want it to go away. I've been thinking a lot recently about how long it will take me to recover - or if I will ever recover completely. I honestly don't know right now.

The last couple of days were really good, I was feeling quite positive. Today, not so much. A couple of things shook me. Really weird things.

Firstly at work. The day was actually going really well, busier than expected with a couple of quite big sales. Then I sold a customer a dark blue swing when I think she might have actually wanted a pale blue swing and got totally freaked out. All I wanted to do was go and hide in the stock room, or at least beg my manager to give me a long reassuring pep talk. Neither of these things happened (still not sure if they even know about my depression and I don't want to bring it up unless absolutely necessary...). I calmed down eventually. But it was frustrating. Mostly I think my customer service is actually pretty good. I'm naturally very polite, I like making small talk with customers, helping people makes me happy. But it takes annoyingly litte to knock my confidence, and then I'm borderline useless for a while...

Second knock came this evening (by which point I was feeling fine again). I saw the results from some tests my brother had taken recently. He'd done fairly well on two papers, but pretty badly on the third, and therefore failed the entire subject. He can retake that one paper again, but I don't know how much difference it would make... That made me sad.

My relationship with my brother is complicated. He has Asperger's Syndrome. I could write for hours on the impact this has had on me and my family, but I'll leave that for another time, I'd like to get some sleep tonight. Right now, it is enough to say that my relationship with my brother is... complicated. Often it feels like we're just strangers who happen to live in the same house. I can't talk to him. I think I could when I was younger, but communication broke down somewhere (I suspect when I became a teenager...)

So we basically both live in our own worlds with very little interaction. I'm mostly used to it. But whenever he gets particularly good or particularly bad news - enough to penetrate my consciousness - I simply don't know how to process it. Exam results are especially complicated, as our academic standards are extremely different. Bad results in particular - I know he's not stupid, he just doesn't think how examiners want him to. I wish I could help, share my knowledge... But that just reminds me how big the distance between us is. The best I can do is explain to my parents what he should be doing, and they pass it on to him.

I think he's afraid of me. I'm not sure why. That makes me sad. And I wonder whether it will ever be possible to bridge the gap...

Is that depression talking or the realist in me? I find it hard to tell most of the time now.

Happy day!

So I had the most amazing day!

Wasn't off to a great start... Made the mistake of texting my friend in America quite late last night, we ended up talking for a long time, hardly got any sleep... It was good, cleared a lot up, but meant I went to work having only had about 4 hours sleep.

Things got better once I got to work. My boss made me the most awesome cup of coffee ever - strong, black, very sweet, perfect. That helped lots. Then we exchanges stories of drunken escapades for a while, which is always fun, although sadly hers were a lot more impressive than mine...

Then she ordered me to do some colouring in. I can hardly believe myself that I'm not making this up. I spent an hour (on and off, I did occasionally serve customers too....) colouring in a butterfly and some other insects. It was awesome! In theory I was doing it to entertain the children, but there weren't many children around this morning... But she told me to keep colouring anyway! I must admit, I was actually weirdly proud by the final outcome.

Lunch was amazing. Went to one of my favourites cafes. I recently found a really really old loyalty card from them - the guy was so surprised, he gave me three extra stamps to fill up the card - free drink for me next time I go there! Sat in the awesome comfy chair, drinking an awesome Skittles milkshake (I know it shouldn't work, but it really does), reading the new Hitchhiker's book. I love Douglas Adams, I loved everything he ever wrote (and I have actually read pretty much all of it), and for a long time I couldn't bring myself to read it, couldn't believe it would work. But now it's come out in paperback and my curiousity has got the better of me. It's not perfect, there are little things that grate, but in general I do actually really like it. Mostly Harmless did end at a fairly rubbish point, I'm hoping this might provide some closure.... We shall see.

Afternoon was good too. Several customers came in with some fairly awkward requests, and I managed to find them all something suitable. They were all thrilled. I love it when that happened! And one of my colleages happened to make a random comment about how well I was fitting in, that made me feel so good. I worry a lot, even more with everything going on right now, but then even the smallest amount of praise does so much to reassure me, boost my confidence.

So yeah, feeling pretty good right now. No idea how long it will last, but I'm definitely going to enjoy it while I can!

Generic subject

I'm really bad at picking subjects, I basically want to use the same three over and over again depending on my mood. Oh well, whatever.

I was reflecting earlier on how the only time I have to blog is when I'm not doing something more interesting. And as I'm not doing anything interesting, I don't know what to say. I know the point is probably to talk about what I have been doing, but my memory is really bad at the moment (another fun side-effect of the stupid pills....) so that doesn't help too much.

Last week I went back to Cambridge to visit some university friends, that was awesome :D At first I was a bit up and down, paranoid that I was going to freak out and ruin everything, but after a while I managed to relax and actually have a lot of fun. Shame I couldn't stay for longer, there were a lot more people I would have liked to have seen. Now they're all going to graduate and scatter all over the country, will be harder to stay in touch. This is where I find out who were the true friends, I guess.

Then on Sunday I had my last training session before the big cycle ride next weekend. It actually went pretty well which is exciting, but I'm still terrified. I think it will be OK now. Weirdly, one of my main problems on the training rides is that I just get really bored. Would love to listen to my iPod, but rely too much on my hearing to tell where cars are. But the atmosphere is different on the charity rides, everyone cheers each other along, so hopefully boredom won't be an issue. I don't like being stuck in my own head for long periods of time.

Today was really bizarre. First day off for ages where I haven't had anything planned. Tidied my room, long overdue. Sorted out other things I've been putting off for weeks. Then I got this text from my friend in America asking me to call his mum and calm her down as they'd had some kind of argument. Still don't understand the details, all I know is that it was somehow related to his finances... Anyway, I called her up, and she was really sweet, and we actually talked for ages. It was kind of strange, I've spoken to her loads of times, but never about anything... substantial. It was kind of nice. I'm going over to see her on Wednesday, that should be nice. I think she's finding this all difficult to cope with as well, I'm hoping we might be able to help each other. And then I had a long feedback conversation via text with my friend. He talked a lot more openly than he has for a long long time, I do now kind of see why he's doing all this. And I feel a little bad for all the crap I've given him about it - it's not just some idiotic selfish impulse, it really is something he needs to do. I just hope it doesn't totally break me in the process...

So glad I'm working tomorrow. I'd probably go insane if I had another day off, I really don't know what to do with them!

Ups and downs

Today was a very bizarre day. Had a doctor's appointment in the morning. Stupid surgery keeps giving me locum doctors, and I'm so bored of explaining my situation over and over again. And this particular doctor was an Indian man with quite broken English and clearly very little understanding of depression. I know he tried to be helpful, but the whole thing felt like a waste of time. Although I guess I got more anti-depressants, which is the main thing. But I didn't want the pills, I wanted a chat with someone comforting and reassuring who could offer comfort and advice, like the last few locum doctors I've seen... Oh well.

My parents have started thinking about going to a private therapist, and NHS counselling takes so bloody long. They've told me it will still be months before anyone can see me. Private might be better, will look into it properly next week I guess. I still find it absolutely appalling that mental health is such a low priority within the NHS. If I had a broken arm and was told someone might be able to help me in another nine months, I could get some national newspaper to cause an uproar. But this, which is in some ways actually harder to live with, doesn't seem to bother anyone. Because, of course, you can't understand what it's like to live with unless you've experienced it. The doctor told me if I get worse I should come back - they always tell me that - but I don't see what that's going to achieve. Last time I told them it was getting worse they increased my dose. I don't think it can go much higher.... Whatever.

So anyway, that wasn't great. But my boyfriend had a half day, which was awesome. We walked along the canal in the sunshine and stopped at a pub for a very good pub lunch. We saw ducks and dragonflies and fish and dogs and it was exciting. And we talked more openly than we have done in a while, that was nice. Then we went back and I played Dragon Age for hours. I love Dragon Age, I'm so addicted to it at the moment!

But then around 9pm, I ended up in this low mood for no reason. I don't know whether it's connected to my depression or my time of the month or something else, but it was really sudden and annoying. I'm not exactly sad, I just feel really... neutral. Don't know why. Hope it passes soon.

Blah blah blah..

...usual moaning time. Been working stupid hours recently. Also been feeling kinda coldy and run down and generally sorry for myself. People don't understand why I'm so tired all the time - they seem to forget I am actually on pretty strong medication which is totally draining me. I try explaining this, but it always sounds like a feeble excuse... I have been shakier recently though. Going to doctor's on Wednesday, but don't really know what they can do about it, I don't want even stronger medication. I found some old sleeping pills, that might help, my sleep has been all over the place recently. Getting increasing paranoid at work. I forget whether they even know I have depression, can't remember if it was on my application form. Not sure what they would do about it anyway. Don't feel like I can ask my boss for the constant reassurance that I need in order to keep myself borderline stable...

The weird thing is, the last couple of days have actually gone really well. I've made some really good sales, some right in front of my manager, spent ages talking to customers and getting lots of positive feedback from them. I'm even beginning to recognise some regulars, which is really nice. But it still takes absolutely nothing to knock all my confidence out of me.

I nearly totally broke down again earlier. I don't even know why. It's all just getting too much for me... Counting down the days until Portugal. Still far too far away for my liking.

Fresh Feeling

I got it out of my system! Finally figured out a way to vent... My friend has a Facebook account, but he never ever ever logs on, so I sent him a Facebook message. I let myself sink to my absolute lowest, I said some incredibly bitter and hurtful things, got it all out of my system... And woke up today feeling refreshed, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I honestly don't think he'll ever see it, but I wrote a disclaimer at the top just in case. And it helped me a lot.

In the evening, I showed the message to my boyfriend. It was a bit scary, but it felt like he deserved to know, to see me at my lowest, most unpleasant point. And he accepted it. I did tell him it is a tiny part of who I am, but a part he needs to be aware of. I think it brought us closer. I felt happier than I have for a long time.

Work was awesome, as usual. I feel like I should talk about it more, but I don't really have much to say, except that so many customers are so lovely, and so many of the children are gorgeous, and I love them all. Can't wait until I'm in a place where I'm ready to have kids!

Not much to say

Haven't been blogging really. Not in the mood. Don't really know what I'm going to say now, just hoping I'll br struck by inspiration!

I think I mostly stopped blogging because I got sick of my own moaning. It wasn't helping. Felt the need for a happy post, but haven't been that happy recently. Had a pretty awesome day today though. Met up with an old school friend, had an awesome milkshake and equally good cheesecake, wandered around town a lot, bought some exciting new books and Ponyo on DVD. I love Ponyo, it's so cute! Want to go to Japan now!

I started reading one of the books, and I love that too. I'm hoping if I read more it will help my mood. I remember a couple of months ago I went through a phase of reading ALL the time and I think it did help, but then I stopped for no apparent reason. Certainly wasn't due to lack of books - I'm actually addicted to Waterstone's 3 for 2 offer, and go in and pick up random books all the time. Have huge piles of books I haven't started, and a fairly big pile of books I started reading, enjoyed, but never got around to finishing for no apparent reason. I do love reading, I just have a very fluctuating attention span.

I haven't heard from my friend for a few days. I'm not sure whether that's better or worse. Thinking I might call him at some point, see how things are going. Need to be in a good mood when I do it though. I'm still stuck in neutral at the moment, but feel like I'm getting closer to breaking point. I am going to explode at some point, I just have no idea when or how. I'm starting to feel more on edge, really wasn't with it at work today. Just have to hope when I properly explode, I do it somewhere where it won't really matter...

Can't cope

For the last six months, I have had this thought more than any other. Right now, I'm feeling like it more than ever. Just don't know what to do, can't function properly. Today was particularly unfortunately in that: (i) it's the first full day with my best friend in America, (ii) my boyfriend was attending some work thing, so I haven't seen him either, and (iii) it was my day off, so I haven't even had work to occupy my mind.

It was all just very unfortunate, nobody's fault. But it has made today an absolute nightmare. I just haven't wanted to do anything, didn't get out of bed until 4pm. All sorts of things I was meant to be doing, just can't force myself to care. I've got tomorrow off as well, hopefully I'll be able to force myself into doing some of that stuff tomorrow. At least I'm seeing my boyfriend tomorrow, so it will be relatively better than today. And then I'm working most days after that, which is awesome. Work is often the only time I feel truly happy at the moment, I love chatting to the customers and there's so much to distract my mind, which is exactly what I need.

Today has also been made worse by the fact I keep getting texts from my best friend telling me what a wonderful time's he having. It's nice to know he's happy, but it provokes a whole host of negative thoughts. Jealousy, as it sounds as though he's having so many fantastic experiences, and I want that too. Bitterness, as he's out having fun while I'm desperately trying to hold myself together. And each text just reminds me that I miss him. And it's even harder, because I've decided that while he's away, I'm not going to tell him how much I'm suffering. It's not like there's anything he can do about it, and I don't want to taint his trip with guilt or whatever. I'm sure he can tell my fake positivity a mile off, but I'm going to keep up the act anyway. So there's going to be lots of moaning on here instead.

The most positive thing I have to hold onto is that my boyfriend and I are going on holiday to Portugal in six weeks. It's been a long time since I so desperately wanted to go away on holiday. I love Portugal, it's impossible for me to be unhappy there.

Too much in my head

Need to get some of these thoughts out of my head. Quickly. Need to be awake in about 5 hours... Bleh.

My best friend goes away on his 3 month trip to America. I'm not taking it well. I went out tonight - coincidentally, it's my boyfriend's dad's birthday - and had far too much to drink. Too much to drink by normal standards. Even worse considering I'm now on quite strong medication, on which I'm not meant to drink at all. Very drunk. Things were spinning. Lots. I came home and cried lots. My parents didn't understand why - although they were very sweet about the whole thing. But nothing helps.

I just can't process it. I'm going to miss him. Lots. I guess I will get used to it in time - and I'm lucky to have such supportive parents, and a wonderful boyfriend and a job I love - but depression doesn't care about those things. All I know is that since January he has been the one person I know who has been through it all, who understands exactly how I feel - even when I don't - and always knows what to do about it. Other people try, and I appreciate that very much, but you really really can't understand depression unless you've experienced it first hand.

I'm trying to hold on to the positives - I absolutely love my new job, it's so much fun. I have a boyfriend who loves me unconditionally and puts up with everything, even when I know I'm being unreasonable. I have loving, supportive parents.

But right now, that's not enough. I need all the help I can get, and the one person who understands all this is moving away for three whole months.

I really need to get some sleep. Will be taking him to the airport in six and a half hours. Rubbing salt in the wound.

It would be nice if I could feel my face again at some point.

I HAVE A JOB!!!

I found out nearly two hours ago, and I've been bouncing off the walls ever since :D I'm so excited! I've been looking for a job for nearly a year now, and although I've done plenty of temp work, I've found it impossible to find anything permanent. I was seriously beginning to feel unemployable. But now I have a job, I start Friday, and I'm so excited! :D

The job is at Early Learning Centre. I went to an assessment event last night - I felt it went fairly well, but wasn't really sure how to feel. I was stunned when I got the phone call! It still doesn't feel real. It feels like this huge huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Finally, I have something permanent, I know where my next pay cheque is coming from, I can start doing all the things I've wanted to do for so long - start thinking about buying a car, maybe booking a holiday with my boyfriend, hopefully even one day moving out. Obviously this is all a long way off, the job isn't hugely well paid yet, but I'm hoping in time it will go up, and they might offer me more hours too. And at least I'm finally making a step in the right direction!

In other news, side effects from my higher dose of medication haven't been as bad as I expected. My appetite is smaller than it was, but it's not like last time where I just had no interest in food at all for over a week. So generally, everything is going pretty well!

The daily struggle

Before I had depression, I'd never really thought how it can affect daily life. I've had a number of reminders about this today.

Firstly, I went cycling. My dad has done the London to Brighton cycle ride for the last 6 years, and this year the two of us are doing the Capital to Coast, a 60 mile ride. We go out for a training session every weekend, have done for nearly two months. I don't think he realises how much harder it is for me (to be fair, not that I've ever really tried to explain it to him). One of the main side-effects of anti-depressants is being really tired all the time. It's not nearly as bad as it was when I first started the meds in January, but I do still find things harder than I used to. Also, when it gets hard, I find it so difficult to find the mental strength to carry on. We went up a couple of hills today; hills send me to a dark place. I can just hear in my head over and over "I can't do it, I'm not strong enough, I need to get off now, I'm not making any progress at all..." an endless stream of negativity. It ends as soon as I get to the top of the hill, but it's not pleasant. Don't know what I can do about it though. Guess I'll just have to keep training until the hills aren't a problem anymore...

Then I went shopping with my boyfriend in the afternoon, and that reminded me of another recurring problem. It's my dad's birthday soon, and I have NO IDEA what to get him. Which is actually incredibly unusual, I can usually find things for him really easily. I spent so long in a bookshop trying to find something he'd like, and everything just seemed wrong. The point is, I've lost my ability to empathise (or at least it's been severely reduced). Which frustrates me a lot. I used to love buying presents, I used to always be able to find the perfect thing. Now I just can't get inside anyone's head anymore, I have very little concept of how even close friends and family think and feel. I bought him something in the end, but it doesn't seem right, nothing seemed right. My best friend warned me one of the side-effects of all this is an extreme selfishness, I guess this is related to that. I don't know how long it's meant to last, I hope not very long.

The funny thing is, I actually had a really good day. It was sunny, I had ice cream, it was good. Just tiny little niggles in the back of my head. And now I'm thinking about my doctor's appointment tomorrow, no idea how that's going to go.

Daisy #1

I took quite a long time choosing my title for this blog. I had a feeling I either wanted a Latin quote or an Eels quote. I decided Eels was relatively less pretentious... I love Eels, their music has been the soundtrack for my life for at least the last seven years. This song is one of my favourites. It's all about (in my opinion at least) noticing the good things in our cold, dull world. I want to try to do this from time to time in this blog.

I came across my first daisy today, from a very unexpected source - an article by Alastair Campbell in The Mirror. It was in response to Janet Street Porter's absolutely appalling article which I came across a few days ago. Alastair Campbell said everything I wanted to say in response to her article, far more eloquently than I could have managed. It's very reassuring to know that there are so many people fighting so hard to end discrimination against mental health.

Happier now

So things didn't quite go how I was expecting last night. I did cry, a lot, more than I have done for a long, long time, which was surprisingly therapeutic. Then my boyfriend, who I was expecting to be asleep, happened to see my post and called to see if I was OK, which was really sweet :) And then my friend texted back and was a lot more sympathetic, so all is good. We've agreed I need stronger medication. I've made a doctor's appointment for Monday. Fun.

Then today I spent four hours in a meeting. Well, two meetings, but one immediately after the other. I am a volunteer fundraiser for the Alzheimer's Society, and today there were two different committee meetings. I was elected as Secretary for one of the committess, which was a huge surprise, and very exciting! Except now I have pages and pages of minutes to type up.... Volunteering for the Society has been really good for me though, it gives me such a huge confidence boost, and gives me something interesting to talk about in job interviews.

I also gave some feedback on a project I'm working on, setting up a Singing for the Brain scheme in this area. Apparently the part of the brain involved in singing is one of the last to be affected by Alzheimer's, and it's a great way for those affected to bond with carers and find a way to express themselves again. I'm so excited by this project and finding out about it has been really interesting. And after I told them how far I'd got, I asked them what they wanted me to do next. They basically just asked me what I thought needed to be done, and then told me to do it. I've pretty much been given management of the entire project, I'm so excited! The scheme sounds fantastic, and I really want to be the one who makes it happen in this area. I have no idea how I'm going to find a leader for the group, which is my next challenge, but I'm sure I'll figure something out.

But that can wait for now. I'm shattered, might go take a power nap...

Here goes nothing

So I'm in a low mood. Lying in bed, I can fill the tears welling behind my eyes, but they haven't quite started falling yet. My brain has that numb fuzzy feeling I get whenever something happens that I don't know how to process.

I tend to go in cycles. I have a big explosion, then I'm happy and normal for a while, then I start not really feeling anything at all until I explode again. I used to bottle things up, but it's not even that anymore. I just can't regulate my emotions properly.

So for the last few days I've not really felt anything. Some insecurities, some anxieties, nothing big. But tonight I could feel it bubbling up to something bigger, so I texted one of my closest friends. He has been through all this himself, and has been so supportive to me, done so much to help.

But now, he's got this big trip to America planned and is disappearing a week on Sunday. That's actually partly why I started this, so I have a way to vent at 3am when he's not here anymore. And his response was basically that he knows I'm going through a lot, but he's busy planning for this trip. Which has what triggered this, I feel so conflicted. He has done so so much, been entirely selfless on so many occasions, but now I want to talk to him, and he's not there, and he's going to be there even less soon, and I'm scared what's going to happen.

I want to send him back a bitchy comment, but I know that will only make things worse. So I guess I'll just have another sleepless night. Tears have started falling, maybe that will help.

Where to begin?

I'm going to be honest, as far as possible. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I think that this is something I want to do. I don't know much about blogging, but it sounds like fun.

I took a pledge yesterday at http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/. I pledged to be vocal about my experiences with mental health problems to help encourage others. This is my way of doing this. I hope you will take a look at that website and make your own pledge.

I was diagnosed with depression in January. I still don't really know how I feel about telling other people. I think I can still count the number of people I've directly told on my fingers, although some other people may have suspicions, or found out other ways. Sometimes it is easy to be open and honest about it, other times I want to deny it and pretend I'm fine. I'm going to try to do more of the former here.

I hope that talking about my experiences here will benefit me by helping me to clear my mind, but I hope that it will also help others. It's always nice to be able to talk to others who understand what you're going through, and hopefully I might also be able to educate people who don't know much about depression.

So here goes nothing I guess :)