Here goes nothing

So I'm in a low mood. Lying in bed, I can fill the tears welling behind my eyes, but they haven't quite started falling yet. My brain has that numb fuzzy feeling I get whenever something happens that I don't know how to process.

I tend to go in cycles. I have a big explosion, then I'm happy and normal for a while, then I start not really feeling anything at all until I explode again. I used to bottle things up, but it's not even that anymore. I just can't regulate my emotions properly.

So for the last few days I've not really felt anything. Some insecurities, some anxieties, nothing big. But tonight I could feel it bubbling up to something bigger, so I texted one of my closest friends. He has been through all this himself, and has been so supportive to me, done so much to help.

But now, he's got this big trip to America planned and is disappearing a week on Sunday. That's actually partly why I started this, so I have a way to vent at 3am when he's not here anymore. And his response was basically that he knows I'm going through a lot, but he's busy planning for this trip. Which has what triggered this, I feel so conflicted. He has done so so much, been entirely selfless on so many occasions, but now I want to talk to him, and he's not there, and he's going to be there even less soon, and I'm scared what's going to happen.

I want to send him back a bitchy comment, but I know that will only make things worse. So I guess I'll just have another sleepless night. Tears have started falling, maybe that will help.