Monday 16 May 2011

Could I be good enough?

Apparently as my medication decreases, so does my self-esteem.

Which is annoying, because that's something I'd been working very hard on. I was getting pretty good at it too. There's still some remnants of my progress remaining, but it's definitely a lot shakier.

I want to be cleverer. Funnier. Prettier. Thinner. More insightful. More interesting. Better at coding. Better at proof-reading. Better at everything.

I want to be the best.

To be fair, it's not all bad. It gives me the drive I need to succeed. It makes me push myself to the limits. It made me cycle 36 miles yesterday. It made me carry on at work today when my head was throbbing and I felt sick and shivery and sad and just wanted to curl up in a ball.

But sometimes, I just want to feel good enough. Constantly trying to be the best can also be very tiring.

Sunday 15 May 2011

It's been a long time coming....

I don't remember why I stopped blogging. It wasn't a conscious decision, it just kind of happened. I didn't even miss it.

Until today.

I do know why that happened. I love my new job, working in social media, but it does consume every aspect of my life. I live on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn (both because I love them and because it is useful for my job). And now, as part of my job, I want to become a blogging expert. So it's time to revive this blog as well!

A few things haven't changed. I still love Eels (which is the main reason why I chose to revive this blog rather than starting a new one; I was never going to think of a name I liked more!). I still cycle lots. And I still have depression.

It's getting better though. For real this time. Reading my last post, I was trying to lower my dose, and it wasn't going so well. I'm trying again, and it's going much better this time. I'm definitely in a much better place mentally now. The job helps with that a lot. I feel happier, I feel more confident, I feel like I can cope. I'm not recovered yet, but every day I feel closer than ever before.

Actually, another reason for starting to blog again is that I've been following the Elephant in the Room Campaign on Facebook and Twitter. And I want to talk openly about my experiences more widely. And this is the platform I'm most comfortable talking about it.


(Apologies to anyone finding out about my depression this way; it's something I find hard to drop into casual conversation! If you want to know more, I'm happy to talk about it. If not, please continue treating me exactly as normal, that's fine too.)