Monday, 27 September 2010

And another hurdle...

Seriously, I'm so bored of all this now. I was put on a lower dose of Citalopram last week. At first I was excited and everything was going great. But for the last two days I've been snappy and irritable and grumpy and had a splitting headache. I want my chemical happy back. My doctor and my counsellor said dropping down a dose wouldn't affect me too much. I knew they were lying...

Just so sick of thinking "the worst is over now" just to find a new challenge. Sick of fighting. Sick of asking other people to put up with me. Terrified what's going to happen in the long run when I try to come off them completely.

I've always hated all forms of medication. This one is the worst. It's not a solution, I hate how much it is relied upon. It feels like it's actually made things worse, given me a couple of months of false happiness, false hope. Now I'm starting to doubt whether I've made any progress at all, or whether it's all just been a waste of time. I'm not even sure if the counselling has made that much difference, really, just more false positives from the medication.

I have no idea. Maybe I'll stabilise and feel better in a few days. But right now I'm feeling lower than I have done for a long time and I don't like it. Probably won't even be able to sleep it off due to this bloody headache...


  1. I hope that you feel better, even if this is coming from a stranger.

  2. I had seen a link to your blog through MIND on FB. I just read this and it brought back those same feelings. I had weaned off Citalopram and was free of my chemical crutch, unfortunately I crashed which meant 3 months of work, back on medication and continual counselling. I understand the frustration you feel and I just felt so disappointed that I can only "live" a reasonable existence with the chemicals. Now I try not to torture myself and accept that if meds are what i need to "live" then so be it, I want to live not merely try to survive x

  3. Sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time. Citalopram's a hard medication to get off and set-backs are frustrating. But I'm taking things more slowly this time, and trying to stay in a positive frame of mind, and it seems to be going better for me now.

    On the chemicals or not, it definitely is better to live than survive. Good luck x