Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Ups and downs

Today was a very bizarre day. Had a doctor's appointment in the morning. Stupid surgery keeps giving me locum doctors, and I'm so bored of explaining my situation over and over again. And this particular doctor was an Indian man with quite broken English and clearly very little understanding of depression. I know he tried to be helpful, but the whole thing felt like a waste of time. Although I guess I got more anti-depressants, which is the main thing. But I didn't want the pills, I wanted a chat with someone comforting and reassuring who could offer comfort and advice, like the last few locum doctors I've seen... Oh well.

My parents have started thinking about going to a private therapist, and NHS counselling takes so bloody long. They've told me it will still be months before anyone can see me. Private might be better, will look into it properly next week I guess. I still find it absolutely appalling that mental health is such a low priority within the NHS. If I had a broken arm and was told someone might be able to help me in another nine months, I could get some national newspaper to cause an uproar. But this, which is in some ways actually harder to live with, doesn't seem to bother anyone. Because, of course, you can't understand what it's like to live with unless you've experienced it. The doctor told me if I get worse I should come back - they always tell me that - but I don't see what that's going to achieve. Last time I told them it was getting worse they increased my dose. I don't think it can go much higher.... Whatever.

So anyway, that wasn't great. But my boyfriend had a half day, which was awesome. We walked along the canal in the sunshine and stopped at a pub for a very good pub lunch. We saw ducks and dragonflies and fish and dogs and it was exciting. And we talked more openly than we have done in a while, that was nice. Then we went back and I played Dragon Age for hours. I love Dragon Age, I'm so addicted to it at the moment!

But then around 9pm, I ended up in this low mood for no reason. I don't know whether it's connected to my depression or my time of the month or something else, but it was really sudden and annoying. I'm not exactly sad, I just feel really... neutral. Don't know why. Hope it passes soon.


  1. That neutral feeling you described. The one that just hit. I get that sometimes, actually I get that a lot. Out of nowhere you just feel ... well.. blah. That is how I have come to describe it.

  2. Yeah, "blah" is a good word to describe it. Been having it quite a lot recently. Still haven't discovered what to do about it...