Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Can't cope

For the last six months, I have had this thought more than any other. Right now, I'm feeling like it more than ever. Just don't know what to do, can't function properly. Today was particularly unfortunately in that: (i) it's the first full day with my best friend in America, (ii) my boyfriend was attending some work thing, so I haven't seen him either, and (iii) it was my day off, so I haven't even had work to occupy my mind.

It was all just very unfortunate, nobody's fault. But it has made today an absolute nightmare. I just haven't wanted to do anything, didn't get out of bed until 4pm. All sorts of things I was meant to be doing, just can't force myself to care. I've got tomorrow off as well, hopefully I'll be able to force myself into doing some of that stuff tomorrow. At least I'm seeing my boyfriend tomorrow, so it will be relatively better than today. And then I'm working most days after that, which is awesome. Work is often the only time I feel truly happy at the moment, I love chatting to the customers and there's so much to distract my mind, which is exactly what I need.

Today has also been made worse by the fact I keep getting texts from my best friend telling me what a wonderful time's he having. It's nice to know he's happy, but it provokes a whole host of negative thoughts. Jealousy, as it sounds as though he's having so many fantastic experiences, and I want that too. Bitterness, as he's out having fun while I'm desperately trying to hold myself together. And each text just reminds me that I miss him. And it's even harder, because I've decided that while he's away, I'm not going to tell him how much I'm suffering. It's not like there's anything he can do about it, and I don't want to taint his trip with guilt or whatever. I'm sure he can tell my fake positivity a mile off, but I'm going to keep up the act anyway. So there's going to be lots of moaning on here instead.

The most positive thing I have to hold onto is that my boyfriend and I are going on holiday to Portugal in six weeks. It's been a long time since I so desperately wanted to go away on holiday. I love Portugal, it's impossible for me to be unhappy there.

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