Blah blah blah..

...usual moaning time. Been working stupid hours recently. Also been feeling kinda coldy and run down and generally sorry for myself. People don't understand why I'm so tired all the time - they seem to forget I am actually on pretty strong medication which is totally draining me. I try explaining this, but it always sounds like a feeble excuse... I have been shakier recently though. Going to doctor's on Wednesday, but don't really know what they can do about it, I don't want even stronger medication. I found some old sleeping pills, that might help, my sleep has been all over the place recently. Getting increasing paranoid at work. I forget whether they even know I have depression, can't remember if it was on my application form. Not sure what they would do about it anyway. Don't feel like I can ask my boss for the constant reassurance that I need in order to keep myself borderline stable...

The weird thing is, the last couple of days have actually gone really well. I've made some really good sales, some right in front of my manager, spent ages talking to customers and getting lots of positive feedback from them. I'm even beginning to recognise some regulars, which is really nice. But it still takes absolutely nothing to knock all my confidence out of me.

I nearly totally broke down again earlier. I don't even know why. It's all just getting too much for me... Counting down the days until Portugal. Still far too far away for my liking.