Brain splurge

Lying awake, thinking negative thoughts. Been a little while since it was this bad.

Texted best friend over an hour ago asking if he was free to chat. No reply yet. I know he's been ill, maybe that's why. But it just feels like he's too busy with his new boyfriend and new life to find time for me anymore. Time difference doesn't help. I am glad he's happy. I just hate that his happiness seems to now be incompatible with my happiness. This is going to get worse before it gets better - if it ever gets better - and I don't know what to do.

Sick of various side-effects of depression/anti-depressants (was never very clear on which bits were a symptom of depression and which bits are caused by medication, doesn't make much difference to me.) Almost nothing holds my attention, which is problematic, especially at work. If I do find something that does manage to hold my attention, I get totally obsessed and have no interest in anything else at all. Mostly all I want to do is sleep.

I've also lost the ability to keep track of things like dates, or how much money is in my bank account. I'm frequently wrong by more than £100, which is bad. Never used to be like that. I think I've also been accepting old style £20 notes at work, which are no longer legal tender. It's just so difficult to get information to stick in my brain anymore, which is really disconcerting for me as I used to pretty much have a photographic memory.

I hate it. I need all this to go away. Who knows when - or if - that will happen....