Apparently as my medication decreases, so does my self-esteem.
Which is annoying, because that's something I'd been working very hard on. I was getting pretty good at it too. There's still some remnants of my progress remaining, but it's definitely a lot shakier.
I want to be cleverer. Funnier. Prettier. Thinner. More insightful. More interesting. Better at coding. Better at proof-reading. Better at everything.
I want to be the best.
To be fair, it's not all bad. It gives me the drive I need to succeed. It makes me push myself to the limits. It made me cycle 36 miles yesterday. It made me carry on at work today when my head was throbbing and I felt sick and shivery and sad and just wanted to curl up in a ball.
But sometimes, I just want to feel good enough. Constantly trying to be the best can also be very tiring.