Friday 30 July 2010

What's the big deal?

So I was sitting in one of my favourite cafes on my lunch break, enjoying a very good cheese salad baguette. I turned around to get something out of my bag and came face to face with a mother behind me, breastfeeding. I was mildly surprised, it wasn't something I was expecting to see. But I wasn't outraged or disgusted or whatever so many people seem to think I should be. She was fairly subtle, I didn't see any breast or anything. Nobody around me seemed bothered either. Mostly I was just grateful that the baby was well fed and happy, rather than hungry and grumpy and crying its head off, which is much more likely to put me off my lunch!

I started thinking about where else she could do it. The toilets in this place are quite small and not very well lit. I don't think anyone should expect her to hide herself away in them, as people often claim. I don't think she should be punished for trying to keep her baby happy and healthy.

In other news, work is going well today and I am happy. And I bought three more Simon Scarrow books, looking forward to reading them! And going up to London for a friend's birthday tonight, very excited! We're going to an awesome cocktail bar, should be good!

Wednesday 28 July 2010

Who am I again?

So one of the people I follow is Jack at Adventures in Voluntary Simplicity. He recently replied to one of my comments saying that he would like to discuss classics with me at some point. Which made me realise I can't remember the last time I properly discussed classics with anyone, even people I met during my degree. I can't remember the last time I read a piece of Latin. I had a craving to re-read the Aeneid a while ago, but that never really materialised. It's a year since I graduated, and classics has been almost entirely side-lined. It made me sad. It used to such a big part of who I am.

I am still an armchair classicist though, even if I haven't really done it "academically" for a while. While on holiday I read Simon Scarrow's Under the Eagle. I loved it, which was a nice surprise. I randomly picked it up as part of a Waterstone's 3 for 2 a couple of months ago, knowing nothing about it. At first I was a little freaked out because it is entirely focused on the Roman Army, which is something I have never really known or cared about. But there's a nice little introduction at the front (somehow I managed to go through an entire degree without knowing the structure of a legion, but now it makes perfect sense). And the story was fantastic, three different threads were woven together very, very cleverly and while I predicted most of the plot twists, there was one that took me totally by surprise. Can't wait to start reading the next one!

Now I just need to start listening to Eels (who gave this blog its name) and I will really feel like myself again! It's been a while since I defined myself by anything other than my depression. I think it's about time I change that.

Tuesday 27 July 2010

One small step...

So I had my first counselling session today. It was mostly just an overview session, so for me it was just the same story, explaining why I think I've ended up here, a story I've already told over and over again to various friends, doctors, counsellors... Irritating, but had to be done. (Which reminds me, I've neve actually talked about that stuff here. It does get a little repetitive after a while. Maybe I'll feel like explaining it one day).


But it was still a useful session. I got on with her really well, she was so easy to talk to. And very reassuring, she spent a lot of time explaining everything, which I really liked. It's the first time any professional has ever really tried to explain to me why I'm like this, rather than just trying to supress it with meds or whatever. I found it so reassuring to be told what's actually happening to me. I also have a fleeting interest in psychology, so it was interesting in that respect.


She also explained what happens next. She says it's possible to be healthy in six weeks. I nearly fell off the chair when she said that, I had no idea it could be so quick! But it's quite a relief, as the sessions are quite expensive..... I do now remember when my GP referred me to her she said that this woman is a miracle worker. Fingers crossed!


In other news, work was pretty awesome. I made quite a few good sales while my manager was watching, and an amazing sale while the area manager was there! Really exciting! They were both very happy with me. And in my spare time I made a lion puppet out of a paper bag! Just like the one in this picture (except mine was cuter, of course!

Back to work

So my first day back at work went pretty well. I was imagining that they would have moved everything and all the offers would have changed and there'd be loads of new products and I would have forgotten everything, but actually almost nothing's changed. There's some new wooden food sets which are absolutely gorgeous, and the swimming accessories section has been condensed as we've nearly sold out, but that's about it. Oh, and they've taken the banner of balloons down from above the till. I kind of miss it, but it had been there for a while and most of the balloons were dying anyway.

And I felt like I had a pretty good day in terms of sales. Had some fun chats with a few customers. Signed lots of people up to our loyalty scheme which is always exciting and makes my boss happy. And then I spent 40 minutes playing with a spirography, which was so much fun! When I was younger, my grandparents had a spirograph and I spent a lot of my childhood playing with it, but it was shared between like six grandchildren and had broken in several places and been taped back up. It was so exciting to actually play with a brand new set out the box! Seriously tempted to buy myself a set, I made pretty patterns. I was just meant to be making a sign to promote a sale we currently have going on the product, but my boss didn't seem to mind me messing around with it for a lot. In fact, she's told me I can play with it more tomorrow even though I've made the sign now, as I've agreed to come in a few hours earlier to cover for a sick colleague. I'm going to have lots of fun!

Which reminds me, I was chatting to someone earlier who asked how the job hunt's going. She knows about my job, I think she just thinks I should be doing something more suitable for a graduate. I get this a lot and it's really frustrating. I genuinely don't want to go anywhere else for at least another year. I might even look at internal promotions and stay with the company even longer. I've gone through so much crap, I just need to do what makes me happy at the moment. I do hope one day to have a decent graduate job with a reasonable salary and be able to buy the expensive things I want and have a house and family and maybe even pay my student loan off.... But those things can wait a little while until I straighten myself out. I'm in the best place for me right now.

Which reminds me, I've booked a counselling session for tomorrow evening. Quite nervous, no idea what will happen. But she was really nice when I spoke to her on the phone, deep down I know that it will be fine. But as usual, my brain refuses to ignore all rationality and prefers to panic over incredibly unlikely "what ifs"....

Monday 26 July 2010

I'm home

I had such an amazing time! I felt so chilled out and relaxed actually properly happy. It was a nice change! I think I should do this holiday thing more often...

(Admittedly I had the occasional wobble, but I was better able to cope with them before it became a big deal and disrupted the holiday for everyone else. That was nice.)

Didn't take many photos, but got a couple of nice ones to cover my three favourite things.

Firstly, the pool. We spent a lot of time at this pool. I loved it so much, I could just lay there not thinking, not doing anything, just relaxing, for hours. I also love swimming, always have done, I was probably the only person there who actually attempted some serious swimming. Although also had a lot of fun playing bat and ball games with my boyfriend!



Secondly, the kitten. This kitten was a big part of the trip! He had been abandoned outside a local bar and the owner took him in when he was only one week old and nursed him back to health. Now he's three weeks old, still tiny but doing very well, and incredibly friendly and affectionate and curious. He gots lots of cuddles :)



And last, but by no means least, the cocktails. We had a lot of these cocktails. (Well, only one or two a day, but considering my medication that was more than enough for me to end up wobbling slightly!). Between us we must have had about seven different ones, all amazing. This was our favourite, the House Special. Rum, more rum, orange juice, lemon juice and a sparkler! They were our first drink of the week, and the last. A very good end to a very good week!

Friday 16 July 2010

Holiday!

I'm going to Portugal on Sunday! So excited, I can't wait. Work is pretty good at the moment, but I'm still looking forward to having a break. Hopefully will give me a chance to chill out slightly, I've been getting more emotional and bleh again recently. And it will be good to have some time away with the boyfriend! And some sunshine would be nice too...

On a completely unrelated note, I've been wanting to write a post about Raoul Moat and the way people have reacted to the whole thing. My thoughts are mostly summarised in this Facebook post (although not entirely as the vast majority of my Facebook friends have no idea I have depression and didn't want to express how it effects me personally):

Claire is sick of stupid people claiming that Raoul Moat should have just got over his severe psychiatric problems, or that it was all his own fault for not turning up to appointments. What he did was unforgivable, but he was severely let down. The man was simply not capable of looking after his own affairs, he needed someone... to intervene. Why did nobody do anything to find out why he wasn't turning up to appointments?

Tom: i don't think the nhs like to instil a dependency on their services and instead try to make the person in control of their own recovery.

Claire: And that clearly works so well >.>

Every time we have one of these random shootings, people seem so surprised when it turns out the person involved had mental health problems. It's not a surprise, healthy people do not just decide to go and shoot a bunch of people in cold blood. And it's going to keep happening until we start taking mental health seriously instead of telling people to just cheer up, get over it, whatever.


While I personally am not mentally unstable enough to snap and do something like that, I can understand the feeling of not being able to take control of your own affairs. I had counselling a while ago after a serious car crash, and even then I was kind of all over the place and missed appointments and things. It's easy to do. Now, I've had a phone number for a counsellor for three weeks and am yet to do anything with it because I'm scared. Asking for help is hard. We need to do more to make people feel able to open up and talk about their problems, without feeling like it's a sign of weakness.

And I know this is a bit hypocritical as the vast majority of my friends and family have no idea about my depression, but I am slowly getting better at talking openly about it. It's scary and difficult, but I am starting to share more. It's just an awkward thing to drop into casual conversation...

So on that happy note, I'm off to Portugal! Will be back next Sunday.

Tuesday 13 July 2010

Brain splurge

Lying awake, thinking negative thoughts. Been a little while since it was this bad.

Texted best friend over an hour ago asking if he was free to chat. No reply yet. I know he's been ill, maybe that's why. But it just feels like he's too busy with his new boyfriend and new life to find time for me anymore. Time difference doesn't help. I am glad he's happy. I just hate that his happiness seems to now be incompatible with my happiness. This is going to get worse before it gets better - if it ever gets better - and I don't know what to do.

Sick of various side-effects of depression/anti-depressants (was never very clear on which bits were a symptom of depression and which bits are caused by medication, doesn't make much difference to me.) Almost nothing holds my attention, which is problematic, especially at work. If I do find something that does manage to hold my attention, I get totally obsessed and have no interest in anything else at all. Mostly all I want to do is sleep.

I've also lost the ability to keep track of things like dates, or how much money is in my bank account. I'm frequently wrong by more than £100, which is bad. Never used to be like that. I think I've also been accepting old style £20 notes at work, which are no longer legal tender. It's just so difficult to get information to stick in my brain anymore, which is really disconcerting for me as I used to pretty much have a photographic memory.

I hate it. I need all this to go away. Who knows when - or if - that will happen....

Monday 12 July 2010

Quick update

Busy busy busy. Been doing so much recently! It's been lots of fun though.

Been given quite a few hours at work recently. I finished my induction yesterday, that was exciting. And gives me a 10p pay rise! I actually really like the training they give me - it's very structured, and covers various areas that I'm interested in anyway, like child development and current theory about good customer service. The health and safety section was a bit of a nightmare, otherwise all good. Now I'm studying for my Bronze award - when I finish bronze, silver and gold I get a certificate in retail!

Been busy outside work too. On Wednesday I went to the local Alzheimer's Society Open Evening. I volunteered for them a lot while I was unemployed, and like to still help out when I can. All the people involved are lovely and the night was very successful. And was a great self-esteem boost for me!

Friday night I went to a 21st party. I hadn't seen most of the people there for several years, it was really good to catch up with them. Probably drank slightly too much, but it was so much fun and I felt OK for work the next day. Even got my boyfriend to dance with me even though he wasn't drinking, that was exciting! It was a really good night. I think a lot about who I am and who I want to be, and it was one of those nights where I almost reached my ridiculous standards. Except there's one photo of me where I look really fat. Have been eating far too much recently, need to keep an eye on that...

Today went to a family barbecue. Lots of family, lots of food, lots of fun. And a very cute dog! It was nice to catch up with everyone. And the food was so good, not helpful for the whole "keeping an eye on that" thing. The diet starts tomorrow and all that.

I might even be serious - going to Portugal next Sunday, hoping to look at least acceptable in a bikini!

Depression is still an on-going problem, always in the back of my mind, but it does feel like going up to 40mg was a good idea, feeling a lot better than I was.