I HAVE A JOB!!!

I found out nearly two hours ago, and I've been bouncing off the walls ever since :D I'm so excited! I've been looking for a job for nearly a year now, and although I've done plenty of temp work, I've found it impossible to find anything permanent. I was seriously beginning to feel unemployable. But now I have a job, I start Friday, and I'm so excited! :D

The job is at Early Learning Centre. I went to an assessment event last night - I felt it went fairly well, but wasn't really sure how to feel. I was stunned when I got the phone call! It still doesn't feel real. It feels like this huge huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Finally, I have something permanent, I know where my next pay cheque is coming from, I can start doing all the things I've wanted to do for so long - start thinking about buying a car, maybe booking a holiday with my boyfriend, hopefully even one day moving out. Obviously this is all a long way off, the job isn't hugely well paid yet, but I'm hoping in time it will go up, and they might offer me more hours too. And at least I'm finally making a step in the right direction!

In other news, side effects from my higher dose of medication haven't been as bad as I expected. My appetite is smaller than it was, but it's not like last time where I just had no interest in food at all for over a week. So generally, everything is going pretty well!

The daily struggle

Before I had depression, I'd never really thought how it can affect daily life. I've had a number of reminders about this today.

Firstly, I went cycling. My dad has done the London to Brighton cycle ride for the last 6 years, and this year the two of us are doing the Capital to Coast, a 60 mile ride. We go out for a training session every weekend, have done for nearly two months. I don't think he realises how much harder it is for me (to be fair, not that I've ever really tried to explain it to him). One of the main side-effects of anti-depressants is being really tired all the time. It's not nearly as bad as it was when I first started the meds in January, but I do still find things harder than I used to. Also, when it gets hard, I find it so difficult to find the mental strength to carry on. We went up a couple of hills today; hills send me to a dark place. I can just hear in my head over and over "I can't do it, I'm not strong enough, I need to get off now, I'm not making any progress at all..." an endless stream of negativity. It ends as soon as I get to the top of the hill, but it's not pleasant. Don't know what I can do about it though. Guess I'll just have to keep training until the hills aren't a problem anymore...

Then I went shopping with my boyfriend in the afternoon, and that reminded me of another recurring problem. It's my dad's birthday soon, and I have NO IDEA what to get him. Which is actually incredibly unusual, I can usually find things for him really easily. I spent so long in a bookshop trying to find something he'd like, and everything just seemed wrong. The point is, I've lost my ability to empathise (or at least it's been severely reduced). Which frustrates me a lot. I used to love buying presents, I used to always be able to find the perfect thing. Now I just can't get inside anyone's head anymore, I have very little concept of how even close friends and family think and feel. I bought him something in the end, but it doesn't seem right, nothing seemed right. My best friend warned me one of the side-effects of all this is an extreme selfishness, I guess this is related to that. I don't know how long it's meant to last, I hope not very long.

The funny thing is, I actually had a really good day. It was sunny, I had ice cream, it was good. Just tiny little niggles in the back of my head. And now I'm thinking about my doctor's appointment tomorrow, no idea how that's going to go.

Daisy #1

I took quite a long time choosing my title for this blog. I had a feeling I either wanted a Latin quote or an Eels quote. I decided Eels was relatively less pretentious... I love Eels, their music has been the soundtrack for my life for at least the last seven years. This song is one of my favourites. It's all about (in my opinion at least) noticing the good things in our cold, dull world. I want to try to do this from time to time in this blog.

I came across my first daisy today, from a very unexpected source - an article by Alastair Campbell in The Mirror. It was in response to Janet Street Porter's absolutely appalling article which I came across a few days ago. Alastair Campbell said everything I wanted to say in response to her article, far more eloquently than I could have managed. It's very reassuring to know that there are so many people fighting so hard to end discrimination against mental health.

Happier now

So things didn't quite go how I was expecting last night. I did cry, a lot, more than I have done for a long, long time, which was surprisingly therapeutic. Then my boyfriend, who I was expecting to be asleep, happened to see my post and called to see if I was OK, which was really sweet :) And then my friend texted back and was a lot more sympathetic, so all is good. We've agreed I need stronger medication. I've made a doctor's appointment for Monday. Fun.

Then today I spent four hours in a meeting. Well, two meetings, but one immediately after the other. I am a volunteer fundraiser for the Alzheimer's Society, and today there were two different committee meetings. I was elected as Secretary for one of the committess, which was a huge surprise, and very exciting! Except now I have pages and pages of minutes to type up.... Volunteering for the Society has been really good for me though, it gives me such a huge confidence boost, and gives me something interesting to talk about in job interviews.

I also gave some feedback on a project I'm working on, setting up a Singing for the Brain scheme in this area. Apparently the part of the brain involved in singing is one of the last to be affected by Alzheimer's, and it's a great way for those affected to bond with carers and find a way to express themselves again. I'm so excited by this project and finding out about it has been really interesting. And after I told them how far I'd got, I asked them what they wanted me to do next. They basically just asked me what I thought needed to be done, and then told me to do it. I've pretty much been given management of the entire project, I'm so excited! The scheme sounds fantastic, and I really want to be the one who makes it happen in this area. I have no idea how I'm going to find a leader for the group, which is my next challenge, but I'm sure I'll figure something out.

But that can wait for now. I'm shattered, might go take a power nap...

Here goes nothing

So I'm in a low mood. Lying in bed, I can fill the tears welling behind my eyes, but they haven't quite started falling yet. My brain has that numb fuzzy feeling I get whenever something happens that I don't know how to process.

I tend to go in cycles. I have a big explosion, then I'm happy and normal for a while, then I start not really feeling anything at all until I explode again. I used to bottle things up, but it's not even that anymore. I just can't regulate my emotions properly.

So for the last few days I've not really felt anything. Some insecurities, some anxieties, nothing big. But tonight I could feel it bubbling up to something bigger, so I texted one of my closest friends. He has been through all this himself, and has been so supportive to me, done so much to help.

But now, he's got this big trip to America planned and is disappearing a week on Sunday. That's actually partly why I started this, so I have a way to vent at 3am when he's not here anymore. And his response was basically that he knows I'm going through a lot, but he's busy planning for this trip. Which has what triggered this, I feel so conflicted. He has done so so much, been entirely selfless on so many occasions, but now I want to talk to him, and he's not there, and he's going to be there even less soon, and I'm scared what's going to happen.

I want to send him back a bitchy comment, but I know that will only make things worse. So I guess I'll just have another sleepless night. Tears have started falling, maybe that will help.

Where to begin?

I'm going to be honest, as far as possible. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I think that this is something I want to do. I don't know much about blogging, but it sounds like fun.

I took a pledge yesterday at http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/. I pledged to be vocal about my experiences with mental health problems to help encourage others. This is my way of doing this. I hope you will take a look at that website and make your own pledge.

I was diagnosed with depression in January. I still don't really know how I feel about telling other people. I think I can still count the number of people I've directly told on my fingers, although some other people may have suspicions, or found out other ways. Sometimes it is easy to be open and honest about it, other times I want to deny it and pretend I'm fine. I'm going to try to do more of the former here.

I hope that talking about my experiences here will benefit me by helping me to clear my mind, but I hope that it will also help others. It's always nice to be able to talk to others who understand what you're going through, and hopefully I might also be able to educate people who don't know much about depression.

So here goes nothing I guess :)